Time is tickin' away...tick tick tickin' away

I’m at work.  Watching the clock.  Minutes are ticking by SO SLOWLY and I am struck by the fact that I am willing my life to move faster.  I mean, seriously?  How messed up is that??  No one wants to die, but by wishing the day/hour/minute would be over, I am inadvertently wishing my life away.  Wow.  When you put it like that…

There’s this big hubbub about work/life balance.  Everyone is trying to get there.  It’s at the forefront of every industry it seems.  “All work and no play”…that’s bad.  All play and no work?  Slacker.  Everyone is trying to find a way to balance the “what I have to do” with “what I want to do” and still get by.  I have a problem with the whole idea of work/life balance.  Shouldn’t life be play?  Why in the world is it not okay to enjoy every day?  I’m not a slacker, but I do dream of a life that I’m enthusiastic, excited, and happy about living for every single minute I’m living it.  Don’t you?  Why should I have to balance being miserable and enjoying myself?  Who says I have to be miserable?  And even more importantly who says I have to be miserable 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 days a week??

I may be exaggerating a bit here.  Maybe I’m not miserable.  My job is fine.  But it’s just that…fine.  It’s not challenging.  It doesn’t do anything for the greater good.  It is not creative…and I’m not making serious bank either.  I wake up at 6:30 in the morning dreading where I have to go.  Not because the people aren’t great or I am subject to “Dirty Jobs” type stuff.  Just because I’m bored.  And really what’s the difference between being bored and being unhappy?  As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t much difference. 

I’ve spent a lot of time pondering what I’d do if I wasn’t doing this.  I’ve journaled and vision boarded and mind mapped.  I’ve used every ounce of creativity I could pull out of myself to figure out where I want to be…and now I know.  Ish.  I have a general idea and I’ve taken a step.  I have quit a large portion of my “real job” and gone to part-time.  But I actually think this has made me a crazier person than I already was.  I have a glimpse into what life could be…Imagine waking up to a life that is so exciting to live that you can hardly contain yourself!  The other day was a Monday.  Most people dread Mondays.  I used to loathe them.  But now Mondays are one of my work from home days.  I woke up at 6 and was so excited about what was ahead of me that I couldn’t go back to sleep.  And let me tell you, this girl loves her sleep.  I was out of bed before 6:30 with cup of coffee in hand and what felt like a new lease on life.  I adore Mondays.  I go at my own pace.  I set my own schedule.  I don’t have to talk to a single soul if I don’t want to….or I can schedule a lunchtime work out with a girlfriend or 5 sessions in a row.  It is entirely up to me and I get out of my day what I put into it.  When I have a productive Monday I feel on top of the world.  Imagine waking up to a life that is so exciting to live that you can hardly contain yourself…and then going back to this life.  When I wake up on Tuesday I want to crawl so deep under the covers that no one will ever find me again.  I loathe Tuesdays.

So here’s my question:  How do I throw work/life balance out the window and just LIVE MY LIFE?  Live it on my own terms, on my own schedule, with my own priorities, goals and dreams.  How do I avoid selling my soul to the easy job that pays pretty well and keeps me afloat?  What’s the point of making “enough money to live comfortably” if I’m not comfortable with a single second of how I’m actually living?  I’ve got a mortgage, a car payment, a student loan payment and all of the regular old bills everyone else has…and I have a money-oriented fiancé to boot.   How can I do something I love every day and still take care of that stuff?  Some people say you can’t, but I’ve seen it done.  Why can’t my work be play?!?!?!  I know there’s a way.  So HOW DO I GET THERE?!?!?! (And how do you, for that matter?) 

Anais Nin spoke of this day.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

And in the name of me sometimes talking too much...a very. short. post.

Give me a piano or a guitar and a voice with some feeling.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the little things that make my heart happy. I don't really like the phrase "makes my heart sing", but how else can you describe it? You know that feeling right? That your heart is lifting as high as it possibly can in your chest without it actually picking you up and floating you away to somewhere over the rainbow...Oh wait, there's a word for it isn't there?

bliss [blis]

-noun

1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.

-idiom

2. bliss out, Slang .

to experience bliss or euphoria

Ahh bliss...

So what has you feeling all floaty in the heart lately?

For my birthday my sister bought me tickets to see Joshua Radin in concert. He has a liquidy magic voice that runs through you like warm syrup, except when it cracks with emotion and that is the moment...So yesterday Kyle and I went to see him play. There were two opening acts:

Laura Jansen was incredible. A petite little thing with a perma-grin, she surprised me with the ease in which she hits her crazy notes, the originality of her melodies and the pure clarity of her voice. She had me

ooh-ing and ahh-ing (and putting my name on her mailing list so I could get a free single which is amazing and has already played in my car 17 times.) She seemed to be so happy and content to do what she does (well) and I was in awe of that. I'm working towards getting there. That made me like her even more. Girl crush? Yes, I think so.

Then came Cary Brothers (who was a dude named Cary Brothers playing in a band with a bunch of other dudes, not a bunch of brothers with the last name Cary). At first I wasn't impressed. His sound was off. He came across as arrogant and uninterested in his audience. He put me off right away. I kept TRYING to like him, but it didn't work until he brought Laura back out with her smooth as butter voice (but not just regular butter. Definitely like that fancy sweet cream butter.) to sing a duet of a song I've been listening to for years...Oh, Blue Eyes, you changed my mind about Cary Brothers.

And then came Joshua Radin. He is wonderful. I've already mentioned his amazing singing voice, but his speaking voice is startlingly low. Combine that with his sense of humor, stories, and genuine desire to connect with his audience and you've got yourself a show. For his last song he unplugged and came out in the middle of the crowd. He sang an entire song just standing in the middle of us. Incredible. If you haven't heard Joshua Radin, check out "I'd Rather Be with You", "Paperweight" and "It's a Brand New Day" (among others...you can't go wrong really).

This show had me 100% blissed out. Emotional singer/songwriters with fantastic lyrics and amazing stage presence + a date with my honey. Yes, bliss. I have decided to make a point to see more live music. I am so happy when I find a song/singer/band that moves me. Why not look more often? Seek bliss. Bliss, please. Give me music or give me...well not death, but you get the point.

What are you doing to seek bliss every day?

Today I am thankful for a reminder of something I love. Thanks, Sister!

On imperfections...

We've all heard about the power of positive self talk...about changing the scripts that run through our heads. For some people it means attracting the things they want into their lives just by believing them (a la The Secret as featured on Oprah). For others it's just not saying to themselves, "My butt is enormous!" every time they look in the mirror. For me it's somewhere in between.

I believe that self talk can positively or negatively affect your life in major ways. I believe that the things you tell yourself when only you are listening are the things that sink in the deepest. I believe that repeating something over and over to yourself can make it true. Occasionally I'll be in the middle of a run and feeling tired and burnt out and remembering that I seriously just pretty much hate running and I say to myself, "I want to stop." I say it once...or twice...or 75 times...and guess what usually happens? I stop and walk or I turn around and cut a mile or two off my run or I just keel over and die on the side of the road (depending on the length of the run). On the same note, if I repeat my little positive mantras to myself over and over throughout the run ("I can do anything for 27 more minutes." "I can do anything for 25 more minutes..." "I can do anything for 7 more minutes.") I can usually survive the full length of it without walking or giving up. When you apply this concept to your self esteem, goals, and values the effects can be devastating or totally uplifting.

So in the spirit of squelching my negative self talk, I've got a little exercise to work through (feel free to play along).

My faults, flaws and imperfections...the things I tell myself when only I'm listening:

I am a control freak

I gossip too much

I'm a people pleaser

I'm a perfectionist

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I eat too much junk food

I have a crooked tooth

I watch too much tv

I have too many freckles

I don't work out enough

I care too much about details

I am too sensitive

Now I know this may sound counter-productive (and believe me, I was clenching my jaw as I typed out this list), but there's a reason for it, I swear. Here's where the work comes in. And, although I've never been (nor needed to go) to AA, here's where the serenity prayer comes in. Whether you believe in God or not, the concept is the same:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

All of my "flaws" (and yours) go in one of three categories.

The things I can not change:

I have a crooked tooth

I have too many freckles

The things I can:

I am a control freak

I gossip too much

I'm a people pleas

er

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I eat too much junk food

I watch too much tv

I don't work out enough

The things I can, but don't actually really want to:

I'm a perfectionist

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

I care too much about details

I'm too sensitive

So here it goes. I'm changing my self talk. In black and white. So I can remember if I slip up. It comes in re-framing "the things I can not change", re-framing and positively attacking "the things I can", and re-framing and trying to understand "the things I can, but don't actually really want to".

Let's look at my list again...

The things I can not change:

I have a crooked tooth

I have a unique smile.

I have too many freckles

Freckles are cute and different. I wouldn't look like me without them.

The things I can:

I am a control freak

I am physically and emotionally safe. I do not need to control this moment. Letting go of some control gives me a break!

I gossip too much

Talking about her does not benefit me, her or the person I'm talking to. I am not helping any of us by having this conversation. I will think of others in the positive light in which I'm striving to think of myself.

I'm a people pleas

er

I do not have to make everyone happy all the time to be a good, thoughtful and loving person. Sometimes I am the most important one to please.

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

There's a pile of laundry over there. Get off your butt and fold it. You'll feel better when it is done and put away. You won't have it nagging at you anymore.

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I am beautiful the way I am. Look at my hot _____ (whatever is looking hot today)! Losing 25lbs won't change me. Getting healthy, eating better, and exercising will. I will feel stronger, more fit and more accomplished. What is my work out going to be today?

I eat too much junk food

(See above.) What healthy eating choice will I make right now?

I watch too much tv

I am watching other people live their lives and letting mine go by. I feel like I've watched too much tv today. What can I do right now that will make me feel more fulfilled? Read? Do a project? Call a family member? Turn off the tv and do it.

I don't work out enough

(See above on losing 25lbs and eating healthy)

The things I can, but don't actually really want to: This category is the most interesting to me. I am finding that anything that I've thought of as an imperfection, but that I don't really want to change, has come from another source. Someone or someones in my life have told me that these things were true about myself. I believed them (because they are true), but I also believed that they were bad things, when really in my core for me they're not. So here goes.

I'm a perfectionist

I strive to always do the best work I possibly can so that it really reflects who I am. That is a good thing. Anything less than my best is just that. I want to be the best me I can be.

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

To me this isn't clutter. The things that surround me make me happy. A stack of magazines for inspiration when I want/need it, multiple colors of sticky notes (used and otherwise) to keep my thoughts a rainbow of organized, a box of trinkets that hold personal significance. One person's clutter, another persons personality. Too orderly and my creativity is stifled.

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

Seriously, what is the point of insincere apologies. I'd rather agree to disagree and move forward.

I care too much about details

How in the world can you care TOO MUCH about something you adore? I revel in details. I am completely smitten with them. They may not be important to someone else, but maybe that's what makes them so great! That whole missing the forest for the trees thing is BS. Every last one of those dang trees is amazing. (And I don't miss the forest. It's gorgeous too).

I'm too sensitive

I am easily hurt because my heart is wide open to the people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that. I hope I am always able to stay open and vulnerable to the people I care about and I hope that the people I care about are open and vulnerable with me as well.

I know this blog is long, and if you've made it this far (I'm impressed), take it a step further...Make your own list (you know what an advocate I am of lists!!). Write down your imperfections and then find a way to embrace them or a way to use positivity to push yourself to change them. What's the worst that can happen?

‎"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world. " -Robert Louis Stevenson

Details

Today I’m thinking about details. Pretty little accents. A different kind of creativity. Crafting a look, a style, my heart in the form of paper mache, paint, fabric, and hot glue (probably lots of hot glue). I’m thinking about wrapping a wooden ampersand in jute cord and embellishing with a flower or three. I’m thinking about designing our program as a little book tied with twine. I’m thinking about details for every day. I’m thinking about vintage dresses and floral accents. I’m thinking girly. I’m thinking about stylized shoots with props. A tea party, a picnic, a garden party. I’m thinking of event design. I’m thinking of set design. I’m thinking of interior design. I’m thinking of how I can incorporate my giddiness for these elements into my everyday life. I’m imagining a garden on our tiny deck outside our window. Bookshelves that are beautifully arranged (not stacked so full that removing one novel might collapse the whole structure). Less store bought and more homemade. Less “I saw this in a magazine” and more “I created this from my own head”. I’m imagining.

Today I am grateful for a set of ceramic bowls in pretty colors and a pile of crafting supplies.

Some thoughts on turning 30

Tomorrow I turn 30. I really thought I’d be freaking out by now but I’m not. I feel calm. Not excited, not old, not worried. Just 30 and fine with that. I guess it takes a little bit more courage to look backward that to look forward at this point.

Thinking back to about 10 years ago, 5 years ago even… I had such low self esteem and so little self respect that I’d take any crap from anyone and even came to welcome it (at least someone was paying attention to me, right?). I had given up on any possibility of a good, exciting, fulfilling life for myself and settled into nannying with resentment and laziness. I had (unintentionally) hurt good friends, given up on good friends, lost good friends. I always had a few, but never the group of close girlfriends I had always pictured for myself. I dressed in jeans and sweatshirts (occasionally pajamas) far past the point of it being reasonable (finals in college, pulled an all-nighter, no time to primp, okay no problem…going to work on a Tuesday…maybe I should’ve gotten dressed). I chose men who treated me badly. They didn’t choose me. I chased them down. Because they told me what I expected to hear…That I wasn’t good enough for them or for anyone. My heart had been broken more than once by the same guy and I just kept going back for more until it became what I expected from a relationship. The next one loved me, but I loved him with such desperation that he ran as far away as he could (Italy) as soon as he got the chance. I searched wildly for reassurance that I was okay, for someone else to stamp me with their approval. Come to find out that all I really needed was to find a place in me that felt okay to ME. It’s hard to look back at 20, 21, 22…It’s hard, but it makes looking forward that much more exciting.

From where I sit now I can see my future clearly: wide open, full of possibility and promise, successes looming around every corner...me with the tools I need to deal with adversity, the courage to push forward, the creativity and strength to build a life that makes me giddy. I’m not settling. Not for anything. My 10 core values are these (not necessarily in this order):

1. Intimacy
2. Bliss
3. Self Expression
4. Space
5. Exploration
6. Wellness
7. Humanity
8. Family
9. Authenticity
10. Balance

And guess what? Working towards a life that honors those values every single day makes me feel vibrant! I am adoring every minute of my photography business (even the not so A-game moments). I’m loving writing on a daily basis, thinking about what I’m thankful for, reframing my mindset to soak up and reflect positivity, indulging in the little things that make me smile (like bubble baths, hot coffee and clean sheets). I am creating a life that I am proud to live. So yes, I’m turning 30…and you know what? I am so far beyond excited to see what the next 30 years hold I can barely contain myself. My heart is wide open to friendships, my relationship, my family, finding my calling. I am embracing the idea that I don’t have to live my life the way everyone else does and I’m also embracing myself for exactly who I am. I’m valuing my talents, not dwelling on weaknesses that I can’t change. I’m accepting and even approving of my imperfections. They make me who I am just as much as my strengths. I’m not afraid of 30. I’m looking forward to every minute of it. But just to make it that much more exciting, I’ve written myself a list of 30 things to do while I’m 30 just for the fun of it. If you know me at all that I have a million lists. To do lists, goals, action items, bucket lists...I could probably just make a list of all of my lists if you really wanted to hear it. The point is that this list is different. This list is 100% about enjoying myself. These 30 things are things I want to do JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO. So without further ado...

My 30 While I'm 30...

1. Get married
2. Go on our honeymoon
3. Buy a couch
4. Take a road trip
5. Go on a hot air balloon ride
6. Go tubing in the snow
7. Go to Napa and wine taste
8. Try surfing again
9. Zipline
10. Go to some hot springs
11. Visit Ane
12. Ride a rollercoaster
13. Go camping
14. Warrior Dash!
15. Take a sailing lesson
16. Go on an all day hike
17. Do the Silver Falls loop again
18. Take my dad hiking/camping/fishing
19. Throw a party
20. Go somewhere tropical
21. Go on a waterslide
22. See Matt Nathanson in concert
23. Have a relaxing weekend with my mom and sister
24. Go on a girls' weekend
25. Take a train somewhere
26. Take a portrait of each of my parents
27. Go out for dessert
28. Go skinny dipping
29. Spend a whole day writing in a coffee shop
30. Get photos taken of myself and of me and Kyle together

Now let’s get this year started. I’m pumped! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring (looks like snow actually). But tonight…tonight I celebrate my 20s (with some wine and a bubble bath). I celebrate surviving them. I celebrate what they taught me. I celebrate that they’re over and that the new beginnings I’m feeling in my life at this time anyway get a name: my 30s.

Gratitude: Day 9

Today I am grateful for...

1. Sleeping in

2. Finding hotel rooms for most of our wedding party

3. Paper Source

4. Wedding blogs

5. Oprah. Yes, I said it. Oprah. Don't make fun of me.

I'm thinking from now on I'm going to do my daily gratitudes, but only post them once a week. I don't want to bore you to death with thankfulness.

Habits (for my heart)

"Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake come true."

- Matt Nathanson 'Heartbreak World'

A month ago I felt stuck, bored, complacent. The good news is, I hadn't settled completely and I hadn't given up the idea of finding a life that works better for me. I had already reduced my hours at work in order to make more room for my photography business, but as much as I love every second of that, I couldn't imagine doing that for 40 hours a week, every day, for the next 40 years...So I've been journaling, working through activities, and really trying hard to find my authentic self, my real dreams, and my big life goals. Where do I see myself in five years? How about in 10? What in my life right now truly makes me happy? What needs to go? How can I take daily steps towards what I want and who I want to be? And how can I be that person (in whatever small way) TODAY?

Below is a list of habits -- of how I can work towards this today, this week, this month, this year. I am posting it here for accountability. I'm putting in writing that this is who I want to be. And if you catch me slacking off, slap me or something. Because for the most part, who I am on a daily basis right now, is not who I want to be. THIS is not me. What's to come from now on, is.

Daily:

Practice gratitude

Write

Eat well

Have quality time with Kyle

Take photographs

Move my body

Do something just for me

Weekly:

Have a date with a girlfriend

Post to my blog (x2 or 3)

Plan my meals

Share my writing with someone

Talk to each of my family members

Go on one paid photo shoot

Cross one thing (no matter how small) off my actions list

Monthly:

Interview and photograph one young woman (More on this later. Will be asking for volunteers!)

Set aside some money towards our house (starting in August)

Set aside some money towards travel

Try something new

Yearly:

Take a month long trip with Kyle

Have a girls' weekend (x2)

Go away for the weekend with Kyle (x2)

Re-evaluate my goals

If you've read all this, I'm impressed. What can you do today that will make you feel more YOU? Do it.

Gratitude: Day 8

Today I am thankful for:

1. Fresh blueberries that were on sale at the grocery store

2. Booking a Baby Planner

3. Spring being just around the corner (I actually smelled flowers on my way home from work the other day!)

4. Living here instead of where there are feet of snow and ice and everyone sounds miserable

5. Wilco

Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am grateful for...

1. Fun client meetings

2. Cupcake Royale

3. The nanny group

4. My new fun necklace from Etsy!

5. Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom Shea Cashmere Hand Cream

Today is Day 7 of good old fashioned bein' thankful. One week of sometimes letting it flow from me, and sometimes having to pull every last one of my five gratitudes out of somewhere near my ass. I can't say it has changed my life, but it is changing my outlook a little bit. It's kind of like my food diary in that having to write it down keeps me reasonable. If I know I have to write down that I ate 15 Oreos, I might only eat two. If I know I have to come up with five things I'm thankful for, I might try to squash a few of those negative thoughts to make the positive ones easier to find when it's time to write. So I guess so far I'd say it has been worth my time. I'll definitely keep doing it. Maybe my slightly changed outlook will turn into a completely changed life eventually. The power of positive thinking, right? Happy Thursday!

Frankly, my dear...

Okay, okay I do give a damn.

Kyle said, “You change your mind a lot”. Respond to that.

I do change my mind a lot. Part of that is that I get bored easily and seek change, part of that is that I’m not living my most radiant life. I’m stifled and bored and looking for something – anything that will make me feel fresh and excited and new. So to that I say, be patient, my love. I am working on it. I am learning myself and figuring out my goals and what I want from my life…but that’s no promise that I won’t change my mind a lot. That’s just a promise that if I do, it will be with purpose and intention, to work towards my most radiant life.

2011 Goals

One of the steps in forming goals is to be accountable for them. So here they are in writing, off in cyberspace, where anyone can find them. I know this isn't a high traffic area (yet), but any proof that I promised myself to work towards these particular goals is a good thing. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I am working on a list (who me, a list??) of action items to try to get where I want to be. And the best part? Every last one of these goals sounds ridiculously fun and exciting to me. I literally can't wait to get started! Yes, literally. I can't wait. So I'm starting right now.

1 year goals (as of today 2/2/11):

1. Publish a book

2. Interview and photograph 12 young women in my life and post them in the first phase of my website

3. Get healthy - not constantly thinking about my health/weight/eating habits because they are actually naturally healthy

4. Nurture my relationships with my family and my girlfriends (and make more girlfriends)

5. Travel - go on a 3+ week honeymoon to somewhere we've never been

I am very much looking forward to seeing where I am on 2/2/12 and looking back on how I got there. It's going to be a great year!

Gratitude: Day 6

Today I am grateful for:

1. Play dates

2. Cottage cheese and grape tomatoes

3. Hoodies

4. I can almost breathe properly and I no longer have shooting pains in my ear and throat

5. I know how to type and don't have to 2 finger it like the old guys I always see at the coffee shops

Can you tell this was hard for me today? It's been a rough afternoon and I'm tired and still a little sick. I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. Wish me luck!

Rock your face off.

I realized something today. Laying on my stomach, laptop on the floor, coffee in hand, I answered a question:

What are the inaccurate stories I've told myself in the past about who I am and who I want to be? Think about it...really...what are the things you tell yourself, the excuses, the why nots? Mine sound something like this:

I have to be someone special/high up/powerful/lucky/better to do something special.

The things I want are for other people. I don't deserve them.

If I fail my life is over.

It matters what other people think of my goals and abilities.

If I'm not the best at something my contribution doesn't count.

There is no reason I should have/do/be something rather than someone else. Someone else wants/needs/deserves it more than me.

What I realized today...in answering this question...is this: I am worthy of my dreams. Why NOT work towards what I love/want/need? Who says I don't deserve it? Who says I'm not good enough? If I fail, what's the worst that can happen? Why do I care what others think? Why do I think I need to be the best at something? I can work hard at defining my goals and dreams, then work hard towards achieving them, and guess what? That's what makes me worthy of them. And guess what else? You're worthy of your dreams too if you're willing to work hard towards them. So go for it. Rock your face off.

Gratitude: Day 5

Still home sick today, but feeling a little better. Today I am grateful for...

1. Feeling a little better

2. Homemade apple butter (Thanks Jesse and Jeffrey!)

3. A friend inviting me to go with her to try on wedding dresses

4. Time to work on my journal entries today

5. Bosses who don't get mad when I have to stay home sick

6. Clients who are so wonderfully flexible

7. Coffee. I think from now on we can assume coffee is on my list every day.

I plan to spend a couple of hours today working through some back journal entries. My mind is slightly clearer than it has been the past few days and I no longer feel like my head is floating like a helium balloon on the ceiling. I'm excited to see where this week of journaling takes me. Thinking there will be several more entries today and tomorrow.

Gratitude: Day 4

Apparently I'm not grateful on the weekends because I skipped right over those days. I'll just say I was so excited and happy to be enjoying my life that I had no time to sit here and do my gratitudes...although that isn't entirely true...we'll just go with it.

Today I am super sick. Like laying on the floor with a box of Kleenex, barely able to move, no voice, sore throat, foggy head, almost dead sick. So we'll see how this goes.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The heater

2. Warm blankets

3. The day off to rest and try to get better

4. Quiet (My head hurts.)

5. Kyle...because I'm always grateful for him

Gratitude: Day 3

Happy Friday!!

1. Fridays home by myself (or sometimes with Kyle) and the time to get things done

2. The Joy Equation audio portion (week 3) helping me to set some seriously big and exciting goals for this year (more on this to come)

3. The rain making me not feel guilty at all for spending an entire day inside.

4. Dave's Killer Bread

5. The best girlfriends I've had in each stage of my life: Maria and Laura in elementary school, Shea in junior high, Christina in high school, Ane and Nowal in college, and Anna, Laura and Ellen now. And of course my sister all along. I am so lucky. I love and appreciate each and every one of you!!

And ooh ooh look at me! I'm grateful today! I have a #6!!

6. Kyle left me a very sweet card and a piece of my favorite chocolate by the coffee this morning! Love how that boy keeps managing to surprise me. :)

Ooh and a #7 too! I'm rockin' this today haha.

7. My brother called me. I love him.

Gratitude: Day 2

1. My cold is almost gone! Woo!

2. Nap time

3. Fresh pears

4. Thursday is my Friday

5. Clean water (and BPA free Nalgenes!)

I'm not feeling particularly thankful today for some reason, but I got my 5 things. Now re-working my pre-wedding shape up plan. Calendar + list + pretty colors = happiness. Now planning is something I can be thankful for.

A fun little Q&A

What do you miss most about being a child?

We used to live in the woods in a house that had a barn. We’d play there and in the trees for hours. And at nap time, while mom was watching Days of our Lives and folding laundry we’d play “school” on the stairs with the blocks our dad made us. When he came home he’d smell like cedar and his beard would tickle our heads when he kissed us. At night we’d all climb into bed with every single stuffed animal we owned and Mom would read to us from “chapter books”…Bridge to Terabithia, the Chronicles of Narnia, Anne of Green Gables…

What’s on your bedside table?

Four novels of which I’m in the middle of ALL of (for the record, two are total fluff and the other two are pretty heavy), a hot pink water bottle (probably the only hot pink thing I own!), a tiny jewelry box that Kyle’s mom brought me from Italy that holds all my most precious jewelry, a mirror my dad made me, my 1/2 marathon medals, my phone charger, Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion, green sticky notes and a pen (for those middle of the night have-to-jot-it-down-or-it-will-keep-me-awake-all-night thoughts).

When was the last time you were giddy with happiness, lost in one of those can’t-hold-back-a-smile kinda moments?

I was sitting in the passenger seat with the door open. Kyle was kneeling in a puddle in the rain asking me to be his wife. I can’t even describe the giddiness in that moment.

What are you most looking forward to in the next 6 months?

I’m getting married!!!!!! To my most amazing, supportive, affectionate, adorable, loving, silly Kyle. July 16th! After 7 years! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s your hell like?

I’m freezing cold but can’t find a blanket anywhere and there are jumping spiders all around me. I’m all by myself and there is no music. All there is to eat is blue cheese and raw onions and there is no coffee. All the chairs are hard and too small for my butt. I have to wear high heels all the time. I never get to sleep but there is nothing to do while I’m awake. There is no time so it goes on like this forever.

What’s your heaven like?

I can snap my fingers and travel anywhere in the world and all I have to do to take someone with me is hold their hand. I travel all the time, but always sleep in my own bed (which feels like the bed I slept in at that hotel in Palm Springs). There is clean ocean to swim in, clean air to breathe, and clean land to explore. I have a dog and plenty of land for her to run on. My friends and family are all nearby. There is live music all the time and art and culture. My friends and I stay up late into the night having meaningful conversations, drinking wine, and eating amazing food and never have a hangover or gain a pound. There is no time so it goes on like this forever.

What’s the biggest lesson you’re taking away from the past 6 months with Stratejoy? (Or in my case, the last 3 weeks of exploring the Stratejoy blogs and working on my Joy Plan)

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I don’t have to settle for anything. Period.

What song lyrics fit your life, right now, at the beginning of this brand new year?

"Be here now
No other place to be
All the doubts that linger
Just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come
Into each moment
Like a rising sun"
-Mason Jennings "Be Here Now"

If you had a time machine, what place and time would you travel to and why?

Hmm…I know it is kind of weird, but I’ve never really dreamt of time travel. I guess I might like to go back to when my grandfather was coherent. I’d ask him to tell me about his life and just listen.

That and I’d maybe go see the Beatles in concert.

What is something not a lot of people know about you that you wish more people could know?

For the most part I think show a pretty honest self to the people around me. I do wish more people knew that I’m creative. In my every day life I don’t give myself the opportunity to use my creativity as much as I should. I wish more people knew how obsessed I am with colors and words and designs.

What surprised you most about 2010?

Hmm…that I actually finished a half marathon! (Two actually.) The last time I really ran was in high school and I was a sprinter. It took me months to work up to 2 miles and I actually completed 13.1 without keeling over and dying! I felt very empowered and stronger than I’ve ever felt before. Who knew my little self could do something that big?

What’s the best present you’ve ever received?

I’ve gotten lots of great gifts in my life…but I can’t put my finger on just one. How lame is that? I can tell you what my best present WOULD be…well between two anyway: a vacation with my family to somewhere we’ve never been or a dog. Yep. Those would be the best. :)

Imagine your life was being made into a movie. What would the title be? Who would you pick to play you? What would the theme song be? How about the little trailer blurb for the advertisement?

Natalie Portman is swinging on a tire swing overlooking the ocean. Her hair is blowing in the wind and she closes her eyes and smiles. “The old adage is true: no matter where you go… There you are. Join Hannah on her trip around the world, and into herself.” Mason Jennings, Bright Eyes, Gomez, Ray Lamontagne, Counting Crows and Rilo Kiley make up the soundtrack.

Dream job? Dream home? Dream vacation?

Dream job: I travel for a month at a time photographing women and learning about their strengths and power. When I’m home I write and edit photos and share those women’s stories with the world. One or two evenings a week I lead empowerment groups for young women. I have created an online resource encouraging women to create and live in a sisterhood, building one another up rather than tearing each other down. (I also get lots of vacation time :))

Dream home: I live on a lake and have some land. The house has an open floor plan and lots of natural light. It is warm and inviting. I have my own office/studio with a whole wall of bookshelves full of books I’ve read. There’s a big deck where I can host outdoor dinner parties.

Dream vacation: Anything near the ocean, with my guy. Sometimes my dream vacation is one where I lay by the water and don’t move a muscle except to get another book or margarita…sometimes I want to zipline and snowmobile and scuba dive…ask me when I can afford a vacation. :)

I’m pretty much obsessed with Stratejoy and the Joy Equation this month. I’m looking at my life in a whole new way and having so much fun! Take a look for yourself. Here’s Molly’s Q&A on the bloggity blog. I’d love to blog for her someday, but alas, I am aging too rapidly…30 in 28 days. Eek!

Gratitude: Day 1

Finding "bliss" sounds easy enough, but if you really think about it there is a lot to the simplicity of bliss. Happy. Content. Yes. But how do you get there? Honestly, I have no clue. I have started working on The Joy Equation which is giving me a good start, and reading blogs from others who are seeking an authentic and blissful life is helping too. I definitely still feel I have a long long long road ahead of me...and bliss is not a destination. I want to seek it and feel it every day.

So where to begin? Gratitude. My life is not so terrible. I tend to focus on what went wrong in my day instead of what went right. For now I need a plan before I can totally change my life, especially since I don't yet know what I want to change it to. So I'm looking for something more short-term. Instant gratification, if you will. Enter daily gratitude. Every day I will list a minimum of 5 things I am thankful for. If that's easy, I'll keep listing. I'm an obsessive lister anyway, so hopefully it will come somewhat naturally.

So today, "Gratitude: Day 1":

I am grateful for...

1. Multiple cups of good hot coffee to keep me moving on my hardest day of the week

2. A good talk with Laura about work stuff

3. That Kyle bought me wine and I'm not even home yet

4. Cassie snuggles

5. The sun being out almost all day

So there's day 1...that wasn't so hard. I had to suppress in my head the negative notes that followed, but that's the whole point of this right? Thinking in terms of finding my bliss. Yep. Bliss. Off I go........