Time is tickin' away...tick tick tickin' away

I’m at work.  Watching the clock.  Minutes are ticking by SO SLOWLY and I am struck by the fact that I am willing my life to move faster.  I mean, seriously?  How messed up is that??  No one wants to die, but by wishing the day/hour/minute would be over, I am inadvertently wishing my life away.  Wow.  When you put it like that…

There’s this big hubbub about work/life balance.  Everyone is trying to get there.  It’s at the forefront of every industry it seems.  “All work and no play”…that’s bad.  All play and no work?  Slacker.  Everyone is trying to find a way to balance the “what I have to do” with “what I want to do” and still get by.  I have a problem with the whole idea of work/life balance.  Shouldn’t life be play?  Why in the world is it not okay to enjoy every day?  I’m not a slacker, but I do dream of a life that I’m enthusiastic, excited, and happy about living for every single minute I’m living it.  Don’t you?  Why should I have to balance being miserable and enjoying myself?  Who says I have to be miserable?  And even more importantly who says I have to be miserable 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 days a week??

I may be exaggerating a bit here.  Maybe I’m not miserable.  My job is fine.  But it’s just that…fine.  It’s not challenging.  It doesn’t do anything for the greater good.  It is not creative…and I’m not making serious bank either.  I wake up at 6:30 in the morning dreading where I have to go.  Not because the people aren’t great or I am subject to “Dirty Jobs” type stuff.  Just because I’m bored.  And really what’s the difference between being bored and being unhappy?  As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t much difference. 

I’ve spent a lot of time pondering what I’d do if I wasn’t doing this.  I’ve journaled and vision boarded and mind mapped.  I’ve used every ounce of creativity I could pull out of myself to figure out where I want to be…and now I know.  Ish.  I have a general idea and I’ve taken a step.  I have quit a large portion of my “real job” and gone to part-time.  But I actually think this has made me a crazier person than I already was.  I have a glimpse into what life could be…Imagine waking up to a life that is so exciting to live that you can hardly contain yourself!  The other day was a Monday.  Most people dread Mondays.  I used to loathe them.  But now Mondays are one of my work from home days.  I woke up at 6 and was so excited about what was ahead of me that I couldn’t go back to sleep.  And let me tell you, this girl loves her sleep.  I was out of bed before 6:30 with cup of coffee in hand and what felt like a new lease on life.  I adore Mondays.  I go at my own pace.  I set my own schedule.  I don’t have to talk to a single soul if I don’t want to….or I can schedule a lunchtime work out with a girlfriend or 5 sessions in a row.  It is entirely up to me and I get out of my day what I put into it.  When I have a productive Monday I feel on top of the world.  Imagine waking up to a life that is so exciting to live that you can hardly contain yourself…and then going back to this life.  When I wake up on Tuesday I want to crawl so deep under the covers that no one will ever find me again.  I loathe Tuesdays.

So here’s my question:  How do I throw work/life balance out the window and just LIVE MY LIFE?  Live it on my own terms, on my own schedule, with my own priorities, goals and dreams.  How do I avoid selling my soul to the easy job that pays pretty well and keeps me afloat?  What’s the point of making “enough money to live comfortably” if I’m not comfortable with a single second of how I’m actually living?  I’ve got a mortgage, a car payment, a student loan payment and all of the regular old bills everyone else has…and I have a money-oriented fiancé to boot.   How can I do something I love every day and still take care of that stuff?  Some people say you can’t, but I’ve seen it done.  Why can’t my work be play?!?!?!  I know there’s a way.  So HOW DO I GET THERE?!?!?! (And how do you, for that matter?) 

Anais Nin spoke of this day.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

And in the name of me sometimes talking too much...a very. short. post.

Give me a piano or a guitar and a voice with some feeling.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the little things that make my heart happy. I don't really like the phrase "makes my heart sing", but how else can you describe it? You know that feeling right? That your heart is lifting as high as it possibly can in your chest without it actually picking you up and floating you away to somewhere over the rainbow...Oh wait, there's a word for it isn't there?

bliss [blis]

-noun

1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.

-idiom

2. bliss out, Slang .

to experience bliss or euphoria

Ahh bliss...

So what has you feeling all floaty in the heart lately?

For my birthday my sister bought me tickets to see Joshua Radin in concert. He has a liquidy magic voice that runs through you like warm syrup, except when it cracks with emotion and that is the moment...So yesterday Kyle and I went to see him play. There were two opening acts:

Laura Jansen was incredible. A petite little thing with a perma-grin, she surprised me with the ease in which she hits her crazy notes, the originality of her melodies and the pure clarity of her voice. She had me

ooh-ing and ahh-ing (and putting my name on her mailing list so I could get a free single which is amazing and has already played in my car 17 times.) She seemed to be so happy and content to do what she does (well) and I was in awe of that. I'm working towards getting there. That made me like her even more. Girl crush? Yes, I think so.

Then came Cary Brothers (who was a dude named Cary Brothers playing in a band with a bunch of other dudes, not a bunch of brothers with the last name Cary). At first I wasn't impressed. His sound was off. He came across as arrogant and uninterested in his audience. He put me off right away. I kept TRYING to like him, but it didn't work until he brought Laura back out with her smooth as butter voice (but not just regular butter. Definitely like that fancy sweet cream butter.) to sing a duet of a song I've been listening to for years...Oh, Blue Eyes, you changed my mind about Cary Brothers.

And then came Joshua Radin. He is wonderful. I've already mentioned his amazing singing voice, but his speaking voice is startlingly low. Combine that with his sense of humor, stories, and genuine desire to connect with his audience and you've got yourself a show. For his last song he unplugged and came out in the middle of the crowd. He sang an entire song just standing in the middle of us. Incredible. If you haven't heard Joshua Radin, check out "I'd Rather Be with You", "Paperweight" and "It's a Brand New Day" (among others...you can't go wrong really).

This show had me 100% blissed out. Emotional singer/songwriters with fantastic lyrics and amazing stage presence + a date with my honey. Yes, bliss. I have decided to make a point to see more live music. I am so happy when I find a song/singer/band that moves me. Why not look more often? Seek bliss. Bliss, please. Give me music or give me...well not death, but you get the point.

What are you doing to seek bliss every day?

Today I am thankful for a reminder of something I love. Thanks, Sister!

On imperfections...

We've all heard about the power of positive self talk...about changing the scripts that run through our heads. For some people it means attracting the things they want into their lives just by believing them (a la The Secret as featured on Oprah). For others it's just not saying to themselves, "My butt is enormous!" every time they look in the mirror. For me it's somewhere in between.

I believe that self talk can positively or negatively affect your life in major ways. I believe that the things you tell yourself when only you are listening are the things that sink in the deepest. I believe that repeating something over and over to yourself can make it true. Occasionally I'll be in the middle of a run and feeling tired and burnt out and remembering that I seriously just pretty much hate running and I say to myself, "I want to stop." I say it once...or twice...or 75 times...and guess what usually happens? I stop and walk or I turn around and cut a mile or two off my run or I just keel over and die on the side of the road (depending on the length of the run). On the same note, if I repeat my little positive mantras to myself over and over throughout the run ("I can do anything for 27 more minutes." "I can do anything for 25 more minutes..." "I can do anything for 7 more minutes.") I can usually survive the full length of it without walking or giving up. When you apply this concept to your self esteem, goals, and values the effects can be devastating or totally uplifting.

So in the spirit of squelching my negative self talk, I've got a little exercise to work through (feel free to play along).

My faults, flaws and imperfections...the things I tell myself when only I'm listening:

I am a control freak

I gossip too much

I'm a people pleaser

I'm a perfectionist

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I eat too much junk food

I have a crooked tooth

I watch too much tv

I have too many freckles

I don't work out enough

I care too much about details

I am too sensitive

Now I know this may sound counter-productive (and believe me, I was clenching my jaw as I typed out this list), but there's a reason for it, I swear. Here's where the work comes in. And, although I've never been (nor needed to go) to AA, here's where the serenity prayer comes in. Whether you believe in God or not, the concept is the same:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

All of my "flaws" (and yours) go in one of three categories.

The things I can not change:

I have a crooked tooth

I have too many freckles

The things I can:

I am a control freak

I gossip too much

I'm a people pleas

er

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I eat too much junk food

I watch too much tv

I don't work out enough

The things I can, but don't actually really want to:

I'm a perfectionist

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

I care too much about details

I'm too sensitive

So here it goes. I'm changing my self talk. In black and white. So I can remember if I slip up. It comes in re-framing "the things I can not change", re-framing and positively attacking "the things I can", and re-framing and trying to understand "the things I can, but don't actually really want to".

Let's look at my list again...

The things I can not change:

I have a crooked tooth

I have a unique smile.

I have too many freckles

Freckles are cute and different. I wouldn't look like me without them.

The things I can:

I am a control freak

I am physically and emotionally safe. I do not need to control this moment. Letting go of some control gives me a break!

I gossip too much

Talking about her does not benefit me, her or the person I'm talking to. I am not helping any of us by having this conversation. I will think of others in the positive light in which I'm striving to think of myself.

I'm a people pleas

er

I do not have to make everyone happy all the time to be a good, thoughtful and loving person. Sometimes I am the most important one to please.

I suck at doing laundry and dishes (and cleaning in general)

There's a pile of laundry over there. Get off your butt and fold it. You'll feel better when it is done and put away. You won't have it nagging at you anymore.

I am 25lbs heavier than I want to be

I am beautiful the way I am. Look at my hot _____ (whatever is looking hot today)! Losing 25lbs won't change me. Getting healthy, eating better, and exercising will. I will feel stronger, more fit and more accomplished. What is my work out going to be today?

I eat too much junk food

(See above.) What healthy eating choice will I make right now?

I watch too much tv

I am watching other people live their lives and letting mine go by. I feel like I've watched too much tv today. What can I do right now that will make me feel more fulfilled? Read? Do a project? Call a family member? Turn off the tv and do it.

I don't work out enough

(See above on losing 25lbs and eating healthy)

The things I can, but don't actually really want to: This category is the most interesting to me. I am finding that anything that I've thought of as an imperfection, but that I don't really want to change, has come from another source. Someone or someones in my life have told me that these things were true about myself. I believed them (because they are true), but I also believed that they were bad things, when really in my core for me they're not. So here goes.

I'm a perfectionist

I strive to always do the best work I possibly can so that it really reflects who I am. That is a good thing. Anything less than my best is just that. I want to be the best me I can be.

I have clutter all over my areas of our home

To me this isn't clutter. The things that surround me make me happy. A stack of magazines for inspiration when I want/need it, multiple colors of sticky notes (used and otherwise) to keep my thoughts a rainbow of organized, a box of trinkets that hold personal significance. One person's clutter, another persons personality. Too orderly and my creativity is stifled.

I don't say I'm sorry unless I really think I did something wrong

Seriously, what is the point of insincere apologies. I'd rather agree to disagree and move forward.

I care too much about details

How in the world can you care TOO MUCH about something you adore? I revel in details. I am completely smitten with them. They may not be important to someone else, but maybe that's what makes them so great! That whole missing the forest for the trees thing is BS. Every last one of those dang trees is amazing. (And I don't miss the forest. It's gorgeous too).

I'm too sensitive

I am easily hurt because my heart is wide open to the people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that. I hope I am always able to stay open and vulnerable to the people I care about and I hope that the people I care about are open and vulnerable with me as well.

I know this blog is long, and if you've made it this far (I'm impressed), take it a step further...Make your own list (you know what an advocate I am of lists!!). Write down your imperfections and then find a way to embrace them or a way to use positivity to push yourself to change them. What's the worst that can happen?

‎"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world. " -Robert Louis Stevenson

Details

Today I’m thinking about details. Pretty little accents. A different kind of creativity. Crafting a look, a style, my heart in the form of paper mache, paint, fabric, and hot glue (probably lots of hot glue). I’m thinking about wrapping a wooden ampersand in jute cord and embellishing with a flower or three. I’m thinking about designing our program as a little book tied with twine. I’m thinking about details for every day. I’m thinking about vintage dresses and floral accents. I’m thinking girly. I’m thinking about stylized shoots with props. A tea party, a picnic, a garden party. I’m thinking of event design. I’m thinking of set design. I’m thinking of interior design. I’m thinking of how I can incorporate my giddiness for these elements into my everyday life. I’m imagining a garden on our tiny deck outside our window. Bookshelves that are beautifully arranged (not stacked so full that removing one novel might collapse the whole structure). Less store bought and more homemade. Less “I saw this in a magazine” and more “I created this from my own head”. I’m imagining.

Today I am grateful for a set of ceramic bowls in pretty colors and a pile of crafting supplies.

Some thoughts on turning 30

Tomorrow I turn 30. I really thought I’d be freaking out by now but I’m not. I feel calm. Not excited, not old, not worried. Just 30 and fine with that. I guess it takes a little bit more courage to look backward that to look forward at this point.

Thinking back to about 10 years ago, 5 years ago even… I had such low self esteem and so little self respect that I’d take any crap from anyone and even came to welcome it (at least someone was paying attention to me, right?). I had given up on any possibility of a good, exciting, fulfilling life for myself and settled into nannying with resentment and laziness. I had (unintentionally) hurt good friends, given up on good friends, lost good friends. I always had a few, but never the group of close girlfriends I had always pictured for myself. I dressed in jeans and sweatshirts (occasionally pajamas) far past the point of it being reasonable (finals in college, pulled an all-nighter, no time to primp, okay no problem…going to work on a Tuesday…maybe I should’ve gotten dressed). I chose men who treated me badly. They didn’t choose me. I chased them down. Because they told me what I expected to hear…That I wasn’t good enough for them or for anyone. My heart had been broken more than once by the same guy and I just kept going back for more until it became what I expected from a relationship. The next one loved me, but I loved him with such desperation that he ran as far away as he could (Italy) as soon as he got the chance. I searched wildly for reassurance that I was okay, for someone else to stamp me with their approval. Come to find out that all I really needed was to find a place in me that felt okay to ME. It’s hard to look back at 20, 21, 22…It’s hard, but it makes looking forward that much more exciting.

From where I sit now I can see my future clearly: wide open, full of possibility and promise, successes looming around every corner...me with the tools I need to deal with adversity, the courage to push forward, the creativity and strength to build a life that makes me giddy. I’m not settling. Not for anything. My 10 core values are these (not necessarily in this order):

1. Intimacy
2. Bliss
3. Self Expression
4. Space
5. Exploration
6. Wellness
7. Humanity
8. Family
9. Authenticity
10. Balance

And guess what? Working towards a life that honors those values every single day makes me feel vibrant! I am adoring every minute of my photography business (even the not so A-game moments). I’m loving writing on a daily basis, thinking about what I’m thankful for, reframing my mindset to soak up and reflect positivity, indulging in the little things that make me smile (like bubble baths, hot coffee and clean sheets). I am creating a life that I am proud to live. So yes, I’m turning 30…and you know what? I am so far beyond excited to see what the next 30 years hold I can barely contain myself. My heart is wide open to friendships, my relationship, my family, finding my calling. I am embracing the idea that I don’t have to live my life the way everyone else does and I’m also embracing myself for exactly who I am. I’m valuing my talents, not dwelling on weaknesses that I can’t change. I’m accepting and even approving of my imperfections. They make me who I am just as much as my strengths. I’m not afraid of 30. I’m looking forward to every minute of it. But just to make it that much more exciting, I’ve written myself a list of 30 things to do while I’m 30 just for the fun of it. If you know me at all that I have a million lists. To do lists, goals, action items, bucket lists...I could probably just make a list of all of my lists if you really wanted to hear it. The point is that this list is different. This list is 100% about enjoying myself. These 30 things are things I want to do JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO. So without further ado...

My 30 While I'm 30...

1. Get married
2. Go on our honeymoon
3. Buy a couch
4. Take a road trip
5. Go on a hot air balloon ride
6. Go tubing in the snow
7. Go to Napa and wine taste
8. Try surfing again
9. Zipline
10. Go to some hot springs
11. Visit Ane
12. Ride a rollercoaster
13. Go camping
14. Warrior Dash!
15. Take a sailing lesson
16. Go on an all day hike
17. Do the Silver Falls loop again
18. Take my dad hiking/camping/fishing
19. Throw a party
20. Go somewhere tropical
21. Go on a waterslide
22. See Matt Nathanson in concert
23. Have a relaxing weekend with my mom and sister
24. Go on a girls' weekend
25. Take a train somewhere
26. Take a portrait of each of my parents
27. Go out for dessert
28. Go skinny dipping
29. Spend a whole day writing in a coffee shop
30. Get photos taken of myself and of me and Kyle together

Now let’s get this year started. I’m pumped! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring (looks like snow actually). But tonight…tonight I celebrate my 20s (with some wine and a bubble bath). I celebrate surviving them. I celebrate what they taught me. I celebrate that they’re over and that the new beginnings I’m feeling in my life at this time anyway get a name: my 30s.

Gratitude: Day 9

Today I am grateful for...

1. Sleeping in

2. Finding hotel rooms for most of our wedding party

3. Paper Source

4. Wedding blogs

5. Oprah. Yes, I said it. Oprah. Don't make fun of me.

I'm thinking from now on I'm going to do my daily gratitudes, but only post them once a week. I don't want to bore you to death with thankfulness.