Details

Today I’m thinking about details. Pretty little accents. A different kind of creativity. Crafting a look, a style, my heart in the form of paper mache, paint, fabric, and hot glue (probably lots of hot glue). I’m thinking about wrapping a wooden ampersand in jute cord and embellishing with a flower or three. I’m thinking about designing our program as a little book tied with twine. I’m thinking about details for every day. I’m thinking about vintage dresses and floral accents. I’m thinking girly. I’m thinking about stylized shoots with props. A tea party, a picnic, a garden party. I’m thinking of event design. I’m thinking of set design. I’m thinking of interior design. I’m thinking of how I can incorporate my giddiness for these elements into my everyday life. I’m imagining a garden on our tiny deck outside our window. Bookshelves that are beautifully arranged (not stacked so full that removing one novel might collapse the whole structure). Less store bought and more homemade. Less “I saw this in a magazine” and more “I created this from my own head”. I’m imagining.

Today I am grateful for a set of ceramic bowls in pretty colors and a pile of crafting supplies.

Some thoughts on turning 30

Tomorrow I turn 30. I really thought I’d be freaking out by now but I’m not. I feel calm. Not excited, not old, not worried. Just 30 and fine with that. I guess it takes a little bit more courage to look backward that to look forward at this point.

Thinking back to about 10 years ago, 5 years ago even… I had such low self esteem and so little self respect that I’d take any crap from anyone and even came to welcome it (at least someone was paying attention to me, right?). I had given up on any possibility of a good, exciting, fulfilling life for myself and settled into nannying with resentment and laziness. I had (unintentionally) hurt good friends, given up on good friends, lost good friends. I always had a few, but never the group of close girlfriends I had always pictured for myself. I dressed in jeans and sweatshirts (occasionally pajamas) far past the point of it being reasonable (finals in college, pulled an all-nighter, no time to primp, okay no problem…going to work on a Tuesday…maybe I should’ve gotten dressed). I chose men who treated me badly. They didn’t choose me. I chased them down. Because they told me what I expected to hear…That I wasn’t good enough for them or for anyone. My heart had been broken more than once by the same guy and I just kept going back for more until it became what I expected from a relationship. The next one loved me, but I loved him with such desperation that he ran as far away as he could (Italy) as soon as he got the chance. I searched wildly for reassurance that I was okay, for someone else to stamp me with their approval. Come to find out that all I really needed was to find a place in me that felt okay to ME. It’s hard to look back at 20, 21, 22…It’s hard, but it makes looking forward that much more exciting.

From where I sit now I can see my future clearly: wide open, full of possibility and promise, successes looming around every corner...me with the tools I need to deal with adversity, the courage to push forward, the creativity and strength to build a life that makes me giddy. I’m not settling. Not for anything. My 10 core values are these (not necessarily in this order):

1. Intimacy
2. Bliss
3. Self Expression
4. Space
5. Exploration
6. Wellness
7. Humanity
8. Family
9. Authenticity
10. Balance

And guess what? Working towards a life that honors those values every single day makes me feel vibrant! I am adoring every minute of my photography business (even the not so A-game moments). I’m loving writing on a daily basis, thinking about what I’m thankful for, reframing my mindset to soak up and reflect positivity, indulging in the little things that make me smile (like bubble baths, hot coffee and clean sheets). I am creating a life that I am proud to live. So yes, I’m turning 30…and you know what? I am so far beyond excited to see what the next 30 years hold I can barely contain myself. My heart is wide open to friendships, my relationship, my family, finding my calling. I am embracing the idea that I don’t have to live my life the way everyone else does and I’m also embracing myself for exactly who I am. I’m valuing my talents, not dwelling on weaknesses that I can’t change. I’m accepting and even approving of my imperfections. They make me who I am just as much as my strengths. I’m not afraid of 30. I’m looking forward to every minute of it. But just to make it that much more exciting, I’ve written myself a list of 30 things to do while I’m 30 just for the fun of it. If you know me at all that I have a million lists. To do lists, goals, action items, bucket lists...I could probably just make a list of all of my lists if you really wanted to hear it. The point is that this list is different. This list is 100% about enjoying myself. These 30 things are things I want to do JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO. So without further ado...

My 30 While I'm 30...

1. Get married
2. Go on our honeymoon
3. Buy a couch
4. Take a road trip
5. Go on a hot air balloon ride
6. Go tubing in the snow
7. Go to Napa and wine taste
8. Try surfing again
9. Zipline
10. Go to some hot springs
11. Visit Ane
12. Ride a rollercoaster
13. Go camping
14. Warrior Dash!
15. Take a sailing lesson
16. Go on an all day hike
17. Do the Silver Falls loop again
18. Take my dad hiking/camping/fishing
19. Throw a party
20. Go somewhere tropical
21. Go on a waterslide
22. See Matt Nathanson in concert
23. Have a relaxing weekend with my mom and sister
24. Go on a girls' weekend
25. Take a train somewhere
26. Take a portrait of each of my parents
27. Go out for dessert
28. Go skinny dipping
29. Spend a whole day writing in a coffee shop
30. Get photos taken of myself and of me and Kyle together

Now let’s get this year started. I’m pumped! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring (looks like snow actually). But tonight…tonight I celebrate my 20s (with some wine and a bubble bath). I celebrate surviving them. I celebrate what they taught me. I celebrate that they’re over and that the new beginnings I’m feeling in my life at this time anyway get a name: my 30s.

Gratitude: Day 9

Today I am grateful for...

1. Sleeping in

2. Finding hotel rooms for most of our wedding party

3. Paper Source

4. Wedding blogs

5. Oprah. Yes, I said it. Oprah. Don't make fun of me.

I'm thinking from now on I'm going to do my daily gratitudes, but only post them once a week. I don't want to bore you to death with thankfulness.

Habits (for my heart)

"Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake come true."

- Matt Nathanson 'Heartbreak World'

A month ago I felt stuck, bored, complacent. The good news is, I hadn't settled completely and I hadn't given up the idea of finding a life that works better for me. I had already reduced my hours at work in order to make more room for my photography business, but as much as I love every second of that, I couldn't imagine doing that for 40 hours a week, every day, for the next 40 years...So I've been journaling, working through activities, and really trying hard to find my authentic self, my real dreams, and my big life goals. Where do I see myself in five years? How about in 10? What in my life right now truly makes me happy? What needs to go? How can I take daily steps towards what I want and who I want to be? And how can I be that person (in whatever small way) TODAY?

Below is a list of habits -- of how I can work towards this today, this week, this month, this year. I am posting it here for accountability. I'm putting in writing that this is who I want to be. And if you catch me slacking off, slap me or something. Because for the most part, who I am on a daily basis right now, is not who I want to be. THIS is not me. What's to come from now on, is.

Daily:

Practice gratitude

Write

Eat well

Have quality time with Kyle

Take photographs

Move my body

Do something just for me

Weekly:

Have a date with a girlfriend

Post to my blog (x2 or 3)

Plan my meals

Share my writing with someone

Talk to each of my family members

Go on one paid photo shoot

Cross one thing (no matter how small) off my actions list

Monthly:

Interview and photograph one young woman (More on this later. Will be asking for volunteers!)

Set aside some money towards our house (starting in August)

Set aside some money towards travel

Try something new

Yearly:

Take a month long trip with Kyle

Have a girls' weekend (x2)

Go away for the weekend with Kyle (x2)

Re-evaluate my goals

If you've read all this, I'm impressed. What can you do today that will make you feel more YOU? Do it.

Gratitude: Day 8

Today I am thankful for:

1. Fresh blueberries that were on sale at the grocery store

2. Booking a Baby Planner

3. Spring being just around the corner (I actually smelled flowers on my way home from work the other day!)

4. Living here instead of where there are feet of snow and ice and everyone sounds miserable

5. Wilco

Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am grateful for...

1. Fun client meetings

2. Cupcake Royale

3. The nanny group

4. My new fun necklace from Etsy!

5. Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom Shea Cashmere Hand Cream

Today is Day 7 of good old fashioned bein' thankful. One week of sometimes letting it flow from me, and sometimes having to pull every last one of my five gratitudes out of somewhere near my ass. I can't say it has changed my life, but it is changing my outlook a little bit. It's kind of like my food diary in that having to write it down keeps me reasonable. If I know I have to write down that I ate 15 Oreos, I might only eat two. If I know I have to come up with five things I'm thankful for, I might try to squash a few of those negative thoughts to make the positive ones easier to find when it's time to write. So I guess so far I'd say it has been worth my time. I'll definitely keep doing it. Maybe my slightly changed outlook will turn into a completely changed life eventually. The power of positive thinking, right? Happy Thursday!

Frankly, my dear...

Okay, okay I do give a damn.

Kyle said, “You change your mind a lot”. Respond to that.

I do change my mind a lot. Part of that is that I get bored easily and seek change, part of that is that I’m not living my most radiant life. I’m stifled and bored and looking for something – anything that will make me feel fresh and excited and new. So to that I say, be patient, my love. I am working on it. I am learning myself and figuring out my goals and what I want from my life…but that’s no promise that I won’t change my mind a lot. That’s just a promise that if I do, it will be with purpose and intention, to work towards my most radiant life.

2011 Goals

One of the steps in forming goals is to be accountable for them. So here they are in writing, off in cyberspace, where anyone can find them. I know this isn't a high traffic area (yet), but any proof that I promised myself to work towards these particular goals is a good thing. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I am working on a list (who me, a list??) of action items to try to get where I want to be. And the best part? Every last one of these goals sounds ridiculously fun and exciting to me. I literally can't wait to get started! Yes, literally. I can't wait. So I'm starting right now.

1 year goals (as of today 2/2/11):

1. Publish a book

2. Interview and photograph 12 young women in my life and post them in the first phase of my website

3. Get healthy - not constantly thinking about my health/weight/eating habits because they are actually naturally healthy

4. Nurture my relationships with my family and my girlfriends (and make more girlfriends)

5. Travel - go on a 3+ week honeymoon to somewhere we've never been

I am very much looking forward to seeing where I am on 2/2/12 and looking back on how I got there. It's going to be a great year!

Gratitude: Day 6

Today I am grateful for:

1. Play dates

2. Cottage cheese and grape tomatoes

3. Hoodies

4. I can almost breathe properly and I no longer have shooting pains in my ear and throat

5. I know how to type and don't have to 2 finger it like the old guys I always see at the coffee shops

Can you tell this was hard for me today? It's been a rough afternoon and I'm tired and still a little sick. I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. Wish me luck!

Rock your face off.

I realized something today. Laying on my stomach, laptop on the floor, coffee in hand, I answered a question:

What are the inaccurate stories I've told myself in the past about who I am and who I want to be? Think about it...really...what are the things you tell yourself, the excuses, the why nots? Mine sound something like this:

I have to be someone special/high up/powerful/lucky/better to do something special.

The things I want are for other people. I don't deserve them.

If I fail my life is over.

It matters what other people think of my goals and abilities.

If I'm not the best at something my contribution doesn't count.

There is no reason I should have/do/be something rather than someone else. Someone else wants/needs/deserves it more than me.

What I realized today...in answering this question...is this: I am worthy of my dreams. Why NOT work towards what I love/want/need? Who says I don't deserve it? Who says I'm not good enough? If I fail, what's the worst that can happen? Why do I care what others think? Why do I think I need to be the best at something? I can work hard at defining my goals and dreams, then work hard towards achieving them, and guess what? That's what makes me worthy of them. And guess what else? You're worthy of your dreams too if you're willing to work hard towards them. So go for it. Rock your face off.